It’s been a few days longer than usual between posts. I’m sorry. I’ve had one of those weeks where I truly miss the wisdom, insight, and direction my wife brought to this marriage. Especially in the area of parenting. Parenting is hard. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I took Amy’s contribution to our parenting for granted. For a while, I’ve felt less than as a dad, like I couldn’t quite get it all done – and not just the physical stuff, I’m talking the relational, the comforting, the directing, and the correcting stuff! I’ve felt very inadequate of late. So I prayed: “God, I don’t think I can do this?” He sent me wisdom, insight, and direction, from a few friends reminding me that I’m enough and that He’s in control.
Single parenting is more difficult than having a spouse to help carry the load, but God…(there’s that phrase again)…but God makes it all work. Here’s a snippet of the book from when Amy and I began learning to truly listen and trust God as a couple. We’d been married for just about a month. Things between us were great. My work situation was not. In the month that followed, we began fighting over the most trivial of things and even came up with a STUPID solution (that I’m glad we never tried).
When God led me to this section of the book while I was contemplating this post, I knew I needed to remind someone that “You’re enough. God’s in control. You just need to listen.” I’m trying to remember that message quicker myself.
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In less than a month, Wonderland would be shattered. My boss at the time was very difficult to work for, especially after getting married. Amy and I didn’t see much of each other since she had a good job in Beaverton, Oregon, while my two part-time jobs were up the Columbia River on the Washington side, some seventy miles apart. Amy left for work at 5:00 every morning, and arrived back at home around 7:00 p.m.
Little things like squeezing the tube of toothpaste in the middle of the tube created large blow-out arguments. The dinner I prepared for her on our first evening home after the Honeymoon was Eggplant Parmesan, ala L’Originale Alfredo di Roma Ristorante in Epcot’s Italy. It was the first meal we had eaten together in Epcot Center. What I made didn’t taste anything like the meal we’d loved so much. It tasted like Failure.
One night, while trying to figure out why we felt like we were butting heads all the time, why things didn’t seem to work out in our favor at all, and why it seemed like God had gone silent, I blurted, “I knew I should have resigned this youth pastorate before we got married.”
“Wha…” Amy’s response wasn’t even a complete word, but a complete thought none the less.
I inhaled as much courage as my lungs could find.
“I’m pretty sure we aren’t supposed to be here. Three different people told me they thought I should resign the church so we could spend our first year building a strong marriage before I begin working on the path to becoming a teacher. I started praying about it and thought that I heard the same message from God, but I was really nervous to tell you since you had said you ‘felt called to marry a pastor.’” At the last word, my lungs let go and I deflated, standing in front of a new bride who just found out that she might have married a fraud. It had all come out rapid-fire. No breaks. No stopping for breath. No pausing for punctuation. It was just staccato bullets driving their way through our concept of Wonderland.
After an uncomfortable pause, Amy quietly said, “I’ve known you were supposed to resign for a couple of months, but I kept thinking, ‘Who am I to ask him to give up his calling?’”
I was the one now standing in stunned silence. I would have never guessed those words would come out of Amy’s mouth, not even if $20 million were riding on it.
“Thom?… Are you…going…to say…anything?”
I got the giggles.
“What’s so funny?!?” This question was not inquisitive as the previous one had been. This question was shrouded in pain. Amy thought I was laughing at her.
I opened my mouth to speak, but the fit of giggles doubled, then tripled. I fell to the floor, turning deep reddish-purple, squeaking for lack of oxygen intake.
Many minutes later, I looked up from my seat on the floor while gasping for oxygen.
“Honey,” I managed, lifting my arm to encourage her to sit next to me, “We both knew, but were afraid to tell each other! Don’t you see the irony in that?”
“Not really,” she supplied as she sat, both our backs against the narrow hallway wall.
“You thought I would break off the engagement if you told me, and I thought you’d tell me I wasn’t worth it if I told you, so instead, we both sat in silence, letting what may come… come. When in reality, we both, who love the Lord God with all our hearts; we both, who love each other and want what’s best for each other to come to fruition; we both kept quiet. It’s a bit comical to me that we’re standing here, or rather sitting,” which brought a short giggle out of Amy, “wondering what’s wrong? Why isn’t anything seeming to work out around us? Heck, it’s just a week past Christmas and we’ve been talking about attending two different churches – you, in Beaverton, and me up here – Why?!? In order to try and ‘get along’!?! Or better yet, so that I can keep my two part-time jobs that pay less than one-third of your salary so that I can feel fulfilled and obedient to God when He’s the one who told me to leave in the first place!?!”
Amy looked at me sheepishly, “No. I was afraid you’d marry me and be unhappy for the rest of our lives because I asked you to resign from your job at the church.” I smiled, a weak, wan smile, but still a smile.
“Amy, we both know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God moved Heaven and Earth to cross our paths, from two completely different worlds. We both knew that night on the phone, three weeks before our first date that ‘this was the one.’ Promise me we’ll never keep what God is telling us a secret from each other ever again.”
“I promise.”
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Sadly, we didn’t completely learn that valuable lesson on that late December evening in 1997. It wouldn’t be until many years later before we truly learned what God had been trying to teach us: He is ultimately in control. Now He’s working on, “You’re enough.”
Good Grief?!? 