Yesterday I posted about Amy’s memorial service. Today I felt led to give you a glimpse of what happened 12 hours prior, and the questions I still have for God. What follows is a copy and paste from a Facebook post on that night.
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In about 12 hours, the service for my beautiful bride, my Amy-zing wife, my perfect counterpart, will be coming to a close. It’s a bit surreal. After receiving the link for the video of Amy’s life in pictures, we decided (Lisa, Gary, Mary, and I) that it would be best if we watched the video before the actual event so that we weren’t caught off guard by anything. While Travis (my best friend since high school) and I watched the video with my boys, I was struck by a realization about fatherhood that I’m struggling with. I didn’t really truly understand what LOVE was until I became a dad. I thought I had figured it out when a beautiful blonde stole my heart, but there were aspects of LOVE that I was still blind to. Once I became a dad, I really began to understand God in a different way. I began noticing things of this world through the eyes of a father.
Tonight was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a very long time. While we watched the video (twice), Micah and Isaiah laughed at the funny pictures and a few tears crawled down their cheeks at others. But Gabe screamed. He didn’t just cry. He didn’t just bawl. He SCREAMED through both times through. As my heart ached for him, and my other two, who were by this time full on sobbing, I was struck with a question that still has me up, two and a half hours later. Does God’s heart rend when we scream? It didn’t take long for me to stumble onto the next epiphany. As Jesus hung on that barbaric, Roman cross, wailing in pain, did the sound pierce God the Father so much that He wanted to “end it all,” push reset, and then create a group who wouldn’t usher pain, destruction, and death into their world? I don’t think I’ve ever heard true lamenting before tonight. As I lay on the bed holding him, rocking him, I asked God how do I help heal my son’s heart. Allowing God the Spirit to fall on the room with a PEACE like no other, I asked Gabe to practice his speech for tomorrow and then to sing “10,000 Reasons” with me and my Spotify account. As we sang, his little heart began to fill with HOPE while dread and fear were thrown out.
Two and a half hours after we pushed play on the video for the first time, my little Gus was able to finally take in a couple deep breaths. He’s asleep now, and I’m still pondering the immensity of pain and anguish God the Father endured while His Son lamented the torture of His body.
Good Grief?!? 