A lot has happened in the last 365 days. It was Dec. 23, 2018, when God told me to take off my wedding ring. “It’s time,” was the resounding message. I waited until nearly New Year’s before making it somewhat public, blogging about it on Jan 1st. “You can learn a lot from someone’s hands,” I’d said in that blog post, hinting at, but not coming right out and saying my ring had been removed.
It’s been a difficult year, thinking that God asked me to take off the ring to focus on Him… which He did. And in this year, I started counseling because the counseling I was attending with my boys was no longer helping. The year grew darker and Dec. 23 further away. The loneliness became more overwhelming. I began to shrink from friends and family, throwing myself in any direction to occupy my time.
In March, God set me in front of a few pastors whom I call friends, and whose wisdom and care have comforted me through the darkest days. “God is at work in you. He’s preparing someone for you,” I was told… many times. I chose to not believe. I chose to say what I was supposed to say so they’d stop talking. I chose to not listen.
In August, I began to hear God remind me to turn to my pursuit of joy. At the end of September, He challenged my theology of gratitude. On my birthday (Oct. 1), I fully understood the call to gratitude and began starting each day with two “aloud” comments related to gratitude. That’s when the flood started.
Streets of Gold by Carolyn Walker 2019
On Nov. 17, 2019, I woke up to a picture titled “Streets of Gold” at the top of my Facebook feed. God said to me, “This picture is for you…to represent My blessing in your life and the blessings you will walk through.” I contacted the artist and made plans to purchase it. I was not expecting, nor was Carolyn, the twist in my story God was writing.
For the last 3 years, I’ve carried two candles at ther Candlelight service. On the same evening God told me to take off my wedding ring, He’d told me to blow out the second candle.
Thom and Carolyn Christmas “Adam” Candlelight Service 2019
Tonight, 365 days later, I stood in the Candlelight Service again. This time, however, I was standing next to my fiancee: Carolyn Walker. God is so very good!
Mother’s Day comes as a wonderful day of celebration for most, or maybe only for many while the rest glue plastic smiles on and pretend the day is one of celebration. There are three ladies in my life who I’ve celebrated on Mother’s Day, and this year, not one of them is here to celebrate.
My mother still lives, however, by her own choices, is no longer part of my life. I’ve struggled since childhood with the “Ideal of Motherhood.” I’ll be the first to admit fault and broken humanity makes for trying times; however, the woman I knew to be my mother did not exist. I could deal with the duality when we were apart – it’s easier to hold onto a dream when there’s distance – but, each time our paths crossed, each time we were in the same room, the pain was undeniably immense. When my own children began to experience pain with which they never should have had to deal, I sought pastoral counseling. It was a difficult process, a difficult time of soul searching, and a difficult decision. We laid ground rules. I reached out with an olive branch. It was clear she didn’t want a relationship with me or my family anymore. I mourned that day almost as if the angel of death had come to visit.
A few years prior, my mother-in-law was on the angel’s pick-up list. Ten years prior, on the eve of my wedding night, God told me we would only have a brief 10 years with Amy’s mom. A few months later, Susan was called upon to pray over a family friend’s son who had been in a severe skiing accident that should have taken his life. Susan asked Amy and me to go with her. We gathered at the friend’s house and prayed. I learned how to pray that night – to really pray – at the knee of a warrior woman of God. That night I became Elisha to Susan’s Elijah. In my spirit, I knew I wanted a double portion of her blessing. At the end of the night, when we’d returned to Susan’s house, I asked her for something I knew I had no right for which to ask, but I also knew I couldn’t NOT ask.
“Mom,” I started, searching for the courage to finish the request, “can I have your Bible when you’re finished with it?”
“Thom, you don’t know what you’re asking for,” she started. “I mean…I won’t be finished with it until….” Her words fell away. She looked me straight in the eye, put her hand on my shoulder, and said, “Today you have truly become my son.”
I didn’t really realize the gravity of that statement for a very long time. Nine years later, while she lay in a hospital bed after her first of many heart attacks, I stood trembling.
“Mom…” Amy stepped out of the curtained area to give us privacy. She knew what I was going to ask, and she felt she needed to leave us alone. “Mom,” I started again, “I’ve come to ask for that double blessing,” I finished just above a whisper.
“Thom, it’s not up to me, but I’ll ask,” she said with a slight smile. Then she lay her hand on top of mine and prayed. A little over a year later she was gone. That loss rocked my world. It rocked Amy’s world. It rocked my boys too. The realization of my request has grown inside of me in ways I had not anticipated…especially in the past two years.
The last woman I’ve celebrated on Mother’s Day was Amy, my dear wife. Two years before we’d even met, I’d been diagnosed with a pituitary tumor and a disfiguring growth disease. The doctors told me I would never sire children. When Amy and I began dating, it was one of the first things I disclosed. For many, it would have been a deal breaker. We began talking and planning for an adoption…five actually. Eight months after we were married, Amy was told she could never carry a child. Three months later we learned that doctors only “practice medicine” – they haven’t perfected it.
It was my 25th birthday, and I was standing in the bathroom of our little apartment holding the pregnancy test strip Amy’d used in the night. When she went to bed, it was negative. When I pulled it out of the trash, it was positive. Fearing a false positive, Amy used the second test strip and then we headed to the doctor’s office for confirmation.
I never saw Amy happier than when she held each of our three sons for the first time. She was a natural at motherhood; she made it look easy…very easy. The first time she held each one, Amy prayed an incredible, warrior mom prayer. I wish I’d had a way to record those prayers so my boys could hear her voice and remember her fierce determination for their souls to know God. Each prayer was unique. Each prayer was expertly fashioned for the child she held. And each prayer was prophetic, asking God to watch over her son(s) through trials, specific trails, she intuitively knew were looming in the shadows of each boy’s future. The only similarity between the prayers was the admission, “God, thank you for loaning us this child, Your child, to raise. Help us do so with Your wisdom and Your Word.”
A tremendous gap was created in our family when God took Amy away from her physical pain and sickness.
Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with the “looming onset” of this matriarch holiday. I didn’t know how I would navigate the day with my boys. Our first Mother’s Day without Amy happened to also be my oldest’s 18th birthday. We spent the day celebrating the women in my boys’ life who stepped into the vacuum left by their mother. It was a happy and sad day. Last year was an awful fight between one child and the rest of the family. This year, I wanted a different day. But I didn’t know what that day would look like. My youngest wanted to bake a cake and then hole up in his room after church on Mother’s Day…to “get through it.” My angel with Autism wanted to watch his mother’s memorial service and then “do everything Mom would have loved to do with us!” My oldest would still be on campus in Southern California, spending Mother’s Day with an empty dorm and a few other RA’s stuck on campus for the 48-hours-after-checkout duties. I couldn’t think of a plan because I couldn’t think of a way around re-watching the memorial service and walking around with a shredded heart for the day.
When I find myself up against a wall, unable to move, in this season of parenting, I’ve learned to reach out for help. I sent a text out to a few of the women God’s firmly planted in my sons’ lives with my dilemma. The result was astounding. I found myself marveling at God’s miracle. The Mom Mafia spoke – many of them replied to my text – with the same message: this year is to be about making new, fun traditions – Amy wouldn’t have wanted us to all be locked in the house sobbing, unable to keep on living.
Pig ‘N Pancake (Seaside, OR)
So today, this Mother’s Day, without any mothers, my youngest two headed to the beach to laugh and make new memories.
On the beach together
Tonight, I marvel at the wonderful day that was had (even by Micah). I want to celebrate the Mom Mafia who, nearly three years later, are still offering wise warrior mom prayers, who are still seeking ways to love on my boys and speak into their lives, and who are continuing to impart wisdom and encouragement to this tired dad, in spite of the parental load they already carry. May God richly bless this army of women (and their brave and wonderful husbands).
-C, -J, -J, -K, -L, -M, -M, -M, -N, -S — “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace” (Num. 6:24-26).
It’s an interesting word. Passion literally means “strong and barely controllable emotion.” We often pair it with a goal to achieve, a driving force, or romantic love. But that’s not what I witnessed at my house this weekend.
Heading into Easter, my youngest and I watched Mel Gibson’s The Passionof the Christ, starring Jim Caviezel as Jesus of Nazareth. It was my third time experiencing the movie, and it affected me no less than the previous two showings (one in a theater and one on a Christmas Eve a long time ago with Amy and her parents).
We had just been reading the Easter story in our morning devotions this week when I suggested to my son that we watch it. Knowing how it affected me, I should not have been surprised at my son’s visceral passion as he put voice to his confusion, grief, and passion. I can still hear him screaming at the Roman guards and at Caiaphas, the High Priest.
Each viewing, my body has reacted violently to every crack of the cane and whip, each lash of the cat-of-nine-tails, and every jarring fall under the weight of the Cross. It astounds me that the brutality depicted in the movie was “toned down” to receive an “R” rating. The violent handling of my Lord and Maker was much worse than depicted in the movie… and what I witnessed in the movie left me physically ill.
Each time I’ve watched that movie I’ve been struck by many things, but a different one seems to hang onto me for hours and days after the viewing. The first time I watched it the epiphany that Mary most likely watched each painful step of her son’s excruciating crawl down the Via Dolorosa. She also felt each smack of the hammer as it struck the spikes. When Mary’s memory takes the story back to a time when Jesus, as a little boy, falls, she runs to him to comfort him. I was undone. Watching her seemingly stare down Satan seconds later shows a determination, and resignation, I never ascribed to the Virgin Mother.
The second time I watched it, finishing in the wee hours of Christmas morning, I was struggling for breath when I realized the symbolism of God the Father crying. The dad in me was again undone, filleted by the deeper understanding of God the Father. It was then that I began referring to The Father as Abba. I finally saw His “daddy’s heart” after so many years of only viewing him akin to Zeus.
This time watching the epic was much different than the last two viewings. Those were marked by an eerie quiet with an undertone of quiet sobbing and nearly silent sniffing. My son’s reaction could not be contained like so many adults. He was so enraged by Caiaphas, Pilot, and the Roman soldiers.
“How can they do that?”
“Can’t they see they are killing him?!?”
“How could you be so evil?”
“This is all your fault!”
My son’s jabs were hurled at a deaf television while the characters continued on without acknowledging him. I, however, was neither deaf nor blind to him. His sobs could not be muted. His cries could not be ignored. His flinches could not be unheard.
When the scene where Mary tries to comfort her bloodied son came on screen, I heard wailing, bolstered by a realization…or maybe it was a new understanding that only the grief my little one has wrestled with of late could comprehend.
This daddy’s heart was rent, watching my youngest wrestle with some of the same “strong and barely controllable emotion” I never understood until I was at least twice his age.
The global church has done a good job romanticizing the event and the weapon of such
Picture courtesy of DeseretBook.com
demonic physical and mental torture. Do I understand, yes… and no. Watching such a visceral depiction of something I was originally taught on a flannel graph in Sunday School made me feel cheated… actually, no, I felt ashamed because I never understood the depths of pain and agony Yeshua allowed Himself to receive at the hands of wicked men so that I could be saved. Can children handle the level of violence this event held, no, but somewhere along the road, I feel as if I should have realized, or been shown, just how wholly evil, brutal, and wicked this event truly was. I can no longer look at the symbol of the cross without replaying the violence in my head. I am so ever grateful for the sacrifice of my Lord and Savior. May I never again romanticize the event as a thing of beauty.
December 23, 2018, was an important night for me. I was in the middle of the Candlelight service at my church. I was holding two candles like I’ve done each Christmas Candlelight Service since my wife died. While waiting for the rest of the candles in the room to get lit, I asked God, “Abba, how do we move on into this next year?” It was a prayer I’ve asked many times when a new year is staring down the barrel at me. Usually, I feel God direct me – sometimes immediately, but most times, as the days go on, His plan falls into place. This time was different.
“Put out a candle, Thom.”
It wasn’t audible, but it was distinct. I shook my head. That can’t be right. I’ve been holding on to two candles since Amy died, to honor her. I’m sure that wasn’t God.Â
“Yes, Thom, it’s me. I said, put out a candle. It’s time.”
Not wanting to give myself time to talk me out of God’s directive, I licked my forefinger and thumb and pinched out the flame. There was a finality to it. I immediately felt a difference, as if something tangible inside of me happened when I snuffed out the flame.
I remember shaking my head slightly, looking down at my hand that held a lit candle and a used candle. I wasn’t sobbing. I was at peace.
“It’s time.”
There is a lot of meaning in those two words. I’m wondering what all God has in mind, but He didn’t take long to start me down the path of change.
A few days later, I was asking my sons’ counselors about the process of redecorating the house. I’ve been very antsy about helping my boys and me move out of the season of grief caused by the daily reminder of loss.
“It’s high time for a Bachelor Pad,” one of the counselors said. “Don’t do it all in one weekend, but be intentional. Have a box ready to store things you and your boys do not want to give away. Put the things of Amy’s in the box that you all want to keep, but that really don’t have a place in a bachelor pad. Put the box somewhere safe so everyone can go check on it when he needs to make sure Mom’s things are still there. Then put the lid back on the box and put it away. Tackle one room at a time. It’s time.” The other counselor agreed and said something similar. She too ended with “It’s time.” I felt confirmation in the continued reminder.
One week after the candlelight service, I was talking with some close family friends. I filled them in on God’s directive and told them I was praying the boys’ transition would be positive, even if it was painful. A week later my phone rang. One of the same friends I’d been talking to was on the other end.
Out with the old… (complete with 2 dressers, an armoire, and 2 side table dressers)
“Thom, my mom’s getting rid of her solid oak bedroom set. I sent you an email with pictures. Check it out and let me know if you’re interested.” I opened the email to look at the pictures. I was overwhelmed. The bedroom set I’d been using was the one Amy and I purchased two weeks before we got married. Climbing into it each night brought with it a sense of loss, a reminder that I would wake up alone in the morning. I’d been wanting to purchase a new set, but knew it would be too costly. I was trying to figure out how to purchase a new set, but God had a different plan.
When the arrangements were made for the new bed to arrive, I offhandedly asked another friend of the family if she knew of anyone who might need a bedroom set. She did. It was another confirmation of God’s divine plan. The following Saturday morning, the new bedroom set arrived after the old one had been brought downstairs. Two hours later, a packed U-Haul left my home on its way to bless someone God wanted to bless. I slept soundly that night for the first time in years.
had no idea God was going to start the “Bachelor Pad Makeover” in my bedroom, but He did. For the last three weeks, I’ve slept in a new sanctuary. Little by little, the rest of the house is changing too. And my boys…they are helping to create the Bachelor Pad.
In with the new…
Two Sundays ago, one of the pastors at my church said, “God is never late, but he sure does miss many opportunities to be early.” I remember chuckling, thinking about my impatience, but tonight, I realized that I’d rather be in God’s timing than mine. If it had been up to me, I’d be making payments on a new bedroom set for the next three to five years, struggling to figure out how it would all work out financially. The next time I’m impatient, I pray I remember to be patient and listen for “It’s time” from on high. God’s timing is truly perfect.
Within hours of my wife passing, the vacuum my children experience was immense. Since that day, a small group of godly women have stepped up, joined what I call “The Mom Mafia”, and have honored the memory of their dear friend by loving on my kids in ways only a mother could. At times, that has looked like simply praying, or giving a hug or phone call when God prompted them to do so. Other times it looked like sending care packages to a freshman in college, taxi-ing my younger two to youth group or doctor appointments, or even helping out a single dad (who happens to be a teacher) by taking the kids school supply shopping while I was busy setting up a new classroom (which I’ve had to do for the last two years because my school moved buildings).
Each time my children have spent time with one of the Mafia Moms, whether it was with their brothers or by themselves, they have come away with their cups full to over-flowing. Each woman God has put in their life at this time who is helping to fill the vast void left by their mother’s death has a unique talent set which speaks to each of my kids individually and corporately.
At times, I’ve reached out to the Mom Mafia to request prayer. You want to know why I dubbed them “The Mom Mafia”? Get between a mama and her child, especially if that child is hurting. You won’t be standing there for long. These women do not fight an earthly battle with earthly weapons to leave temporal wounds. They fight a spiritual battle with stakes that make those earthly battles pale in comparison. They are each Generals in God’s army, who stand tall and don’t back down from a challenge. Many times, these women have each reached out to me to inquire about specific prayer needs…and other needs.
One of the members of this group of godly women has a standing date with one of my sons. Once a month she takes him out and gives him an hour or two of her undivided attention, usually over ice cream or some kind of meal. Monday was that day. When I dropped my son off at school this morning, I began to pray for that encounter. It’s been months since I’ve seen him glow. It’s been a difficult season for him. When I left work, I texted like I usually do, however, today I asked, “Where are you?” The reply I received was coy. It piqued my interest. Then the dummy light on my dashboard reminded me that I was driving on fumes and the thought left my head.
One of the only houses on my street in shadow this Christmas Season, I’ve been feeling guilty, trying to push myself to be more festive, trying to find more time and energy to continue decorating the inside and outside of my home so that it would look like a HOME. That feeling vanished when I pulled onto my street. The sight of my front lawn was hard to miss. When I parked, I was met by one son who was trying to hold in a bigger surprise, but his Autism makes it difficult for him to hide anything. I grinned at the sight. It warmed me that he met me at the driveway, albeit, he wanted to see my reaction. Nonetheless, he’d met me at the driveway and offered to help me bring in my things from the van. My youngest son was nowhere to be seen. As I entered the house, I locked the front door behind me and began the evening’s debrief with my son’s after-school caregiver – a good friend of the family, a good friend of my wife. Something was off, though. When I tried to walk the caregiver to the door, my son was blocking my path. He grinned, a bit mischievously and threw open the door. There stood my youngest, beaming from ear to ear. Then he began caroling!
When we piled into the car for the evening’s events, I listened in rapt attention as he explained his afternoon date with one of his surrogate moms. He was giddy. He was so full of words; they were gushing out of him almost faster than I could comprehend them. When he told me of the incredible time he had shopping at the Goodwill for something to brighten up the yard, he was nearly glowing himself. They had found the string of lights, the net of lights, and a “fake wreath” (I’m allergic to evergreen trees) and were heading to the register when he tripped, literally tripped over the box containing the nativity. The two of them found a plug-in to check the lights and purchased it all…”for $25, Dad!”
This Christmas Season alighted with a darker cloud than last year. We’ve only managed to get one tree up and decorated. (We usually have 3 trees because I love the Celtic tale of The Three Trees.) Pulling into my driveway on Monday and seeing the beaming child responsible for the light show, I realized that this Christmas Season just took a turn for the better. All because one of the Mafia Moms took an hour and a half of her busy schedule to spend with my child. I am truly blessed to get to work with these women who give me support in a vast sundry of ways. I could not parent half as well as I’ve been able to parent these past two and a half years without their help.
Good Grief?!? 