It’s Time – Good Grief?!?

Spring is coming!

November 17, 2019, I woke to an incredible painting posted on Facebook: “Streets of Gold”. When I first saw “Streets of Gold”, God told me to buy the painting. It was to “represent the blessings” He’d given me “and the blessings I would be walking through.” Two days later I was picking the painting up from the artist.

When I woke the next morning, God gave me a picture of a man walking through a grove of trees in Autumn. Then He whispered in my soul, “Grief is like Fall.” My world exploded. I’d been struggling with the book’s introduction. I also knew the ending wasn’t quite right either. But the revelation about grief CHANGED everything… including the cover.

I contacted Carolyn and asked to meet with her the next evening. Exactly a week after picking up “Streets of Gold”, we were engaged.

It’s not the typical pattern we’ve all come to expect in dating. That pattern usually takes a lot longer. But God… There’s that phrase again (I wrote a post about it a year ago.) But God… in His infinite wisdom, overwhelming love, and endless fatherly gift giving… made it clear He was pushing the time table, not us.

Many have wondered how God took me from overwhelming loneliness and grief and turned my world around in literally the blink of an eye. One minute I was standing in a Starbucks, meeting the artist who painted “Streets of Gold”, and in the next… while still standing in that same Starbucks during that same meeting… I was talking with the woman God intended for me… and I knew it in that moment. (She didn’t, but I did.)

As we began sharing our whirlwind love story with our inner circle of mentors, family, and friends, the questions and worry presented to us melted away. Each time we met over coffee, tea, or a meal, we had confirmation – God was directing this love story and that was clear to all. One of my closest friends remarked, “Thom, look at that painting. Many blessings are on the ground, but look at the trees!” I got lightheaded. I’ve never known this level of blessing and favor.

On top of the confirmations, God has made it abundantly clear, many times, that March 20th is to be the wedding date. It’s been overwhelming at times and peaceful at others as we plan this wedding. Learning to “do life” together while living in two different zip codes, evaluating stuff (what do we keep, donate, or sell?), and finding time to date each other has made our schedule a bit of a whirlwind in and of itself. But God… Just acknowledging His divine hand changes it all.

Which brings us to the present. Last night while driving home, my son asked, “Dad, when does Spring begin? ” I was sure the equinox was in April, but just to make sure, Carolyn opened her phone to check.

“The first day of Spring is March 20th,” Carolyn whispered.

“What?” I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly.

“It’s March 20th,” she repeated, a little louder. Her revelation stunned me. “There’s your next book,” she added. I found myself completely flabergasted.

There’s another part to God’s revelation from last night though. Twenty-seven years ago God told me to “Be a child” in a moment He burned into the fabric of ME. A wise man told me, “Thom, don’t grow up. People who grow up on the inside tend to get in God’s way. Be childlike in your faith and devotion. God will always be able to use you.”

I have attempted to be childlike for the last 27 years. Sometimes I’ve grown up and succumbed to stress and worry, especially since March 2013 when Amy was first diagnosed with kidney failure. Sometimes God has reminded me to play and the years of worry began to melt away.

Last night, Carolyn told me she refers to me as her “playmate.” Her mom has even counseled couples in the past two weeks, encouraging them with the concept of playmate – to play as a couple, to remember the joy of play, to be childlike, and to laugh.

We’d been talking about a realization God gave me in the car after learning when Spring started. I simply said, “I have forever felt less than… that people have settled for me.” From friendships to romance, I’ve thought people could have done better, including Amy. “I have often felt I could have been a better husband, father, and friend.” (I don’t need the sermons or the accolades, and I’m not fishing for compliments. God blew my mind last night.) As I listened to Carolyn tell me about how her mother was using our story, I no longer felt less than. Last night was the first time I truly believed I was someone’s perfect match. I truly understood my worth in the eyes of others and in the eyes of God. And for once, I didn’t feel like I needed to apologize for wanting to play.

This morning my heart was overwhelmed to realize once again that God has been at work to bring this family into a time of unrestrained favor and blessing. The metaphor of Fall became the introduction… or rather… the beginning of the book. Since many people don’t read the Introduction, I named it “The Beginning.” Carolyn finished painting the picture of Autum God had given me. He’d given her the same picture.

**“Fall of Grief” by Carolyn Walker**
**To be the cover of my book** ***Good Grief?!?***

The last addition to the book was to add a final chapter to complete the metaphor. It explains how the Autumn of Grief turns into the cold, often lonely, dark Winter of the Soul. But it doesn’t stop there; it briefly talks of meeting Carolyn and leaning toward the future. Spring is coming. Truly. On March 20th, the day God picked for me to marry Carolyn is the first day of Spring literally and figuratively. This family is being ushered into New Life.

I’ve already started outlining the next book, titled Good God?!? It will further look at the metaphor of the Seasons in life. I will continue to update this blog as Good Grief?!? gets closer to store shelves. Thank you for continuing to support me and this book.

“We all churn inside.”

April 11, 2019April 21, 2019thomjohnson73Leave a comment

My students and I read the short essay “Joyas Voladoras” by Brian Doyle last week. The first time I read it (Oct. 2017), it put me under the pile. Doyle had died just months before I read it, and Amy had passed away a year prior. The irony and profound message were not lost on me. This time, the lesson for me was a bit different.

The essay begins with Doyle talking about Hummingbirds and hummingbird hearts.

He’s not really talking about the hummingbird but using it as a metaphor for a much closer-to-home issue. It’s not until near the end of the essay that the reader realizes Doyle is talking about the human heart.

Speaking of the hummingbird, Doyle states, “They can fly more than five hundred miles without pausing to rest. But when they rest they come close to death: on frigid nights, or when they are starving, they retreat into torpor…their hearts sludging nearly to a halt, barely beating, and if they are not soon warmed, if they do not soon find that which is sweet, their hearts grow cold, and they cease to be.” (emphasis mine)

Later in the essay, Doyle switches to the heart of the majestic blue whale, the largest animal to live on the third rock from the sun. He admits that we know “nearly nothing” about this magnificent creature once it finishes puberty. “But we know this: the animals with the largest hearts in the world generally travel in pairs, and their penetrating moaning cries, their piercing yearning tongue, can be heard underwater for miles and miles.” (emphasis mine)

Taking a moment to run through a list of animal heart types, Doyle then surprises the reader with the third profundity: “No living being is without interior liquid motion. We all churn inside.” (emphasis mine)

I found myself churning in the middle of a room full of 6th-grade students. I was gasping for air, desperately trying to stamp down the flood of emotion threatening to pour out of me…having lost my “pair”…having reached torpor.

What happens to the Christian who is exhausted from “doing too much for the kingdom” and is giving more than they have to give? What about the teacher who stays up late to grade papers so his students can get their essays back within a day or two? Or the single parent of three, desperately trying to keep all schedules straight, deliver kids to the right place at the right time, go grocery shopping and clothes shopping, pay bills, and fill out taxes let alone keep tabs on each of the delicate hearts left solely to him to shepherd? Torpor? Yes, utter exhaustion, sometimes maybe even “come[ing] close to death.”

This lonely father of three hit Torpor many months ago. The last seven months being the darkest months to date. Standing in that room, with 6th graders staring at me, having heard the hitch in my voice, I realized that God – and a few godly friends – have been at work to warm my heart so that I can once again “soon find that which is sweet.” I pray my heart doesn’t completely grow cold and that I don’t settle for Spenda when God’s sweet nectar is within reach.

What does love look like at your home?

February 26, 2019February 26, 2019thomjohnson732 Comments

I know it’s an odd question for many, and the picture below might confuse you a bit, but I hope I’ve got your attention.

When answering my question, many of you probably think of lovers kissing, a couple holding hands while taking a leisurely walk, or exuberant hugs from little children. Others of you probably think of diamond rings, beautiful weddings, and watching a movie while snuggled on the couch with a loved one. For me, I have a pretty different view of love.

Friday, February 22, was the 22nd anniversary of my first date with my wife Amy. It was a crazy day. We were getting together for coffee to talk about youth ministry (honest!). That was all the 1-hour meeting over a cup of joe was supposed to contain. Then God intervened when a mutual friend changed both our expectations of the appointment – just 20 hours before it was set to take place. A 1-hour coffee meeting turned into an almost 13-hour date (complete with flowers, a movie, and 2 meals). I’m waiting to hear if it breaks the Guinness Book record as the longest first date!

Shortly after picking Amy up for the date, I recognized things felt different than any other first date I had ever had. In college, when preparing for a first date, my stomach was in so many knots, food never stayed long in my stomach. This time was very different. By the end of lunch (a 5-hour event because we’d lost track of time), I knew I’d found the love of my life. We’d been talking every night for the 3 weeks prior, so I already had an inkling on my way into Applebees.

For the next 19 years, I held Amy’s hand, brushed hair from her face before kissing her, and washed the dishes. Yes! I washed dishes because I loved my wife. Amy had sensitive skin that broke out with horrible eczema if her hands were submerged in water for long. So, because I loved her, I washed dishes (until my kids needed to learn how to do this chore).

Shortly after we were married, Amy wanted to take a cake decorating class. Then she wanted to take a “Stamping It Up” class. Then she wanted to take a Creative Memories class. We did them all together. Did I really want to do those things? Eh. Did I want to do them with Amy? YES! She made those classes fun. We had a blast together. I got to spend time with her and learned some wonderful skills that I now get to pass on to my kids…her kids.

Many years ago, it was popular in the church to find your “Love Language”. Since then, it’s become a trend outside the church as well. Amy’s love language was Gifts, followed closely by Time. When I found out, I was mortified. We were living on a Christian school teacher’s salary. Every penny was accounted for before the check was cashed. I didn’t know how I would ever be able to afford to give Amy gifts. Amy saw the terror unveiling across my face at that couple’s retreat.

“You have given me so many gifts already, Thom,” she whispered. “You gave me this,” she said, pointing to her wedding ring. “You gave me a beautiful baby boy.” Our oldest was only 6 months old at the time. “And you wash the dishes every day.” The last one puzzled me, but she didn’t explain; she just turned around and continued listening to the speaker. It took God many years to help me understand… and accept that my dishwashing was a gift, a real gift.

With Valentine’s Day not so long past, and the 22nd anniversary of our 1st date just days ago, the question “What does love look like in our home now?” has been playing in my head. Maybe it’s because I miss her. Maybe it’s because I got used to giving Amy gifts and spending time with her. Maybe it’s because I’m finally on the other side of the heart-crushing pain of loss.

When thinking of dinner two nights ago, I thought of Amy. What would she have made for dinner? Then I remembered, they loved her spaghetti, but because of my allergy to tomatoes, my boys don’t get to eat it often. Take a gander at the pic. See the purple glove? What you can’t see are the long sleeves pulled down with the gloves pulled up over the cuffs. It was fun. The hardest part was not tasting my creation. Isaiah was happy to taste it for me when he got home. It needed a little more salt and pepper.

I made enough for the boys to have 3 different dinners of spaghetti. They didn’t jump up and down when they ate it, but their plates were empty in minutes…no complaints. I call that a win.

So, what does love look like at your house? In mine, it’s washing dishes, homemade gifts, and making spaghetti.

It’s Time.

February 5, 2019thomjohnson731 Comment

The last “two-candle” candlelight service

December 23, 2018, was an important night for me. I was in the middle of the Candlelight service at my church. I was holding two candles like I’ve done each Christmas Candlelight Service since my wife died. While waiting for the rest of the candles in the room to get lit, I asked God, “Abba, how do we move on into this next year?” It was a prayer I’ve asked many times when a new year is staring down the barrel at me. Usually, I feel God direct me – sometimes immediately, but most times, as the days go on, His plan falls into place. This time was different.

“Put out a candle, Thom.”

It wasn’t audible, but it was distinct. I shook my head. That can’t be right. I’ve been holding on to two candles since Amy died, to honor her. I’m sure that wasn’t God.

“Yes, Thom, it’s me. I said, put out a candle. It’s time.”

Not wanting to give myself time to talk me out of God’s directive, I licked my forefinger and thumb and pinched out the flame. There was a finality to it. I immediately felt a difference, as if something tangible inside of me happened when I snuffed out the flame.

I remember shaking my head slightly, looking down at my hand that held a lit candle and a used candle. I wasn’t sobbing. I was at peace.

“It’s time.”

There is a lot of meaning in those two words. I’m wondering what all God has in mind, but He didn’t take long to start me down the path of change.

A few days later, I was asking my sons’ counselors about the process of redecorating the house. I’ve been very antsy about helping my boys and me move out of the season of grief caused by the daily reminder of loss.

“It’s high time for a Bachelor Pad,” one of the counselors said. “Don’t do it all in one weekend, but be intentional. Have a box ready to store things you and your boys do not want to give away. Put the things of Amy’s in the box that you all want to keep, but that really don’t have a place in a bachelor pad. Put the box somewhere safe so everyone can go check on it when he needs to make sure Mom’s things are still there. Then put the lid back on the box and put it away. Tackle one room at a time. It’s time.” The other counselor agreed and said something similar. She too ended with “It’s time.” I felt confirmation in the continued reminder.

One week after the candlelight service, I was talking with some close family friends. I filled them in on God’s directive and told them I was praying the boys’ transition would be positive, even if it was painful. A week later my phone rang. One of the same friends I’d been talking to was on the other end.

Out with the old… (complete with 2 dressers, an armoire, and 2 side table dressers)

“Thom, my mom’s getting rid of her solid oak bedroom set. I sent you an email with pictures. Check it out and let me know if you’re interested.” I opened the email to look at the pictures. I was overwhelmed. The bedroom set I’d been using was the one Amy and I purchased two weeks before we got married. Climbing into it each night brought with it a sense of loss, a reminder that I would wake up alone in the morning. I’d been wanting to purchase a new set, but knew it would be too costly. I was trying to figure out how to purchase a new set, but God had a different plan.

When the arrangements were made for the new bed to arrive, I offhandedly asked another friend of the family if she knew of anyone who might need a bedroom set. She did. It was another confirmation of God’s divine plan. The following Saturday morning, the new bedroom set arrived after the old one had been brought downstairs. Two hours later, a packed U-Haul left my home on its way to bless someone God wanted to bless. I slept soundly that night for the first time in years.

had no idea God was going to start the “Bachelor Pad Makeover” in my bedroom, but He did. For the last three weeks, I’ve slept in a new sanctuary. Little by little, the rest of the house is changing too. And my boys…they are helping to create the Bachelor Pad.

Two Sundays ago, one of the pastors at my church said, “God is never late, but he sure does miss many opportunities to be early.” I remember chuckling, thinking about my impatience, but tonight, I realized that I’d rather be in God’s timing than mine. If it had been up to me, I’d be making payments on a new bedroom set for the next three to five years, struggling to figure out how it would all work out financially. The next time I’m impatient, I pray I remember to be patient and listen for “It’s time” from on high. God’s timing is truly perfect.

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