Searching for Joy through Grief

The Labor Day Stress

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20180903_151824It started at Starbucks this afternoon. Pumpkin Spice is back on the menu. Amy’s signature drink: Grande, 2 pump Pumpkin Spice, 2 pump White Mocha, 2 pump Cinamon Dulce Latte. I ordered one. My heart had been in a numb funk all day. I thought the memory and the taste would perk things up; that is not what happened.

We’d gone to the Disney Store at the Outlets in Woodburn, Oregon because the boys had some money to burn. We looked around. I found a few things I couldn’t live without. Neither boy spent his money. We all smiled at the “Incredible Mom” cup and T-shirt. I thought of purchasing the cup for one of the “moms” who’s adopted my boys into her heart, but I couldn’t do it. Amy was my Mrs. Incredible. She could stretch to do so many things at once. I was the stressed out, stay-at-home dad (only 1 summer), who drove a small hatchback car when the first movie was released. My students swore Disney captured my story – taking a few creative liberties – and made a movie franchise! I put the cup back; I just couldn’t buy it. We left the store, purchased our Auntie Ann’s pretzels (a Woodburn Outlet tradition), and headed to find drinks. I dropped the boys off at Jamba Juice and headed to Starbucks.

Upon receiving my drink, I headed back to pick up the boys. From the moment they hopped in the car, the tenor of our day slid south. We couldn’t really figure out why. Everyone was just a little jumpy, nervous, irritable. Due to an accident ahead of us on the route home, our 30 min. drive became an hour and 20 mins. Needless to say, by the time we arrived home, we were needing some dinner and some alone time.

As the boys were getting ready for bed, I began busying myself with the chores of the house. I found myself checking the clock many times, but not really knowing why. Somewhere around 9:30 p.m., I realized what was wrong.

Today is Labor Day. Tomorrow is Tuesday, the beginning of my second week of school. Two years ago on Labor Day, I put a very nauseous Amy to bed, fed my kids dinner, and then busied myself about the house. When I woke in the morning, “Till death do us part” had become a reality.

I’ve spent the last hour hemming and hawing about the things that need to be done before tomorrow then chastising myself for worrying and picking up the fear God delivered me from six weeks before Amy passed away. It’s been a vicious cycle. The only way I know to break it is to admit that I’m in the crosshairs of fear, pray, ask God for peace, and then head to bed. Tomorrow will be another day. The actual anniversary of Amy’s death is Thursday; I’ve taken the day off work so I can deal with it for what it will be, and so that my students do not have to endure a numb, slightly frustrated teacher all day.

So, good night. I’m letting go of the fear so that God can take care of it for me. I pray I can fall asleep quickly and that my dreams are peaceful. Tomorrow is not a day to fear.

The Journey Begins

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You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. — John 16:20b

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My wife – Amy – died on September 6, 2016. That evening, I began posting my and my boys’ journey through Grief on Facebook.

In July 2017, God birthed in me the passion to write a book many had encouraged me to write. From those posts, and some personal journal pages, I found a significant outline for a memoir on Fear and Grief with the same title as this blog. As I sat down to write, I realized my battle to overcome Fear, related to Grief, led me all the way back to 1986 and the death of my great-grandfather. From that point on, coupled with the torment of a broken childhood home, Fear overtook me and imprisoned me in my own morbid imagination of what would I do if…? The book gives an account of the lessons I learned through major turning points in my life up to, including, and since the death of my Amy-zing wife.

In April 2018, I finished the first draft of Good Grief?!? and began the editing process. When I started the process of looking for a publisher, I asked God, “What’s next?” That’s when the idea for this blog took seed in my heart – a place where I can share lessons of the past, current wonderings in my wanderings through Grief and Joy, and excerpts of the book.

With school ended, and the Summer before me, I have the time to find a publisher and begin this quest into the world of blogging. Check back often. Feel free to share my blog with your family and friends and tag it on your own social media accounts. My hope is that we can all learn to overcome Fear and find Joy through Grief.